gauging illusionary depths (jan 2006)

I realized that one shouldn't be reading someone's testimonials before writing one for her. It has a subconscious influence (or maybe not even so subconscious) on your opinion about the person. It's just amazing how schezo-like I am and yet a number of my friends never forgot to mention the adjective "deep" on their testimonials. Was it me? Did I entangle everyone with my self-projection of depth?

Sabagay, gusto ko naman kasi yung idea na pag-isipang deep ako. Ang cool, 'di ba? Kesa tawagin kang aanga-anga, kapag nakatahimik ka, mas maganda na yung iniisip nila na meron kang isang tula na nililikha sa iyong saloobin o isang teoriya ukol sa pag-inog ng mundo. Kung 'di lang talaga nila alam...

Siguro, inisip ko rin na malalim ako. I have an uncanny ability of complicating things which can be perceived as depth, depending on your point of view.

Kaya rin siguro ang pressure ko sa sarili ko na magkaroon ng sense of depth and kurso ko at career siyempre. Para san pa't nag UP ka kung wala namang dangal or nobility ang tabaho mo, 'di ba ganun yun?

While having coffee with an old friend, in an attempt to cheer me up/help me sort things out, he asked, "Anong gusto mong gawin?" I answered, "mag divisoria."

For a living, anong guto mo talagang gawin? I answered, "Mag parlor."

Frustrated as he seemed, he did admit some time later (when he was just in tsinelas, void of the preppy outfit and the matching car) that he wanted to be a masahista. And he even did classes! So we agreed, he would be he masahista of my parlor. haha

"Di lang naman mag parlor. Pangarap ko ring maging barista. Actually I've been helping out with DMI's weekly night life (as a waitress/kitchen girl) for the past 2 years and it's the most fun i have had in my whole short-lived working career. I have a YM friend who sounded kindov disappointed even when he found out that i wasn't going to pursue this secret-dream-profession.

Close friends ko nga lang ang may alam na pangarap kong maging telephone operator. Well, call center agents na ang tawag ngayon. Back when we were younger, I get a kick from playing tricks on my friends-- doing the voicemail message when they call me up or providing ATM voice recording (to UP PNB's ATMs!) to their surprise. Not to mention my black book of phonepals wahaha. But you can't really tell and HR interviewer that, can you? "So, why would you like to work for our company?" "Well, hindi nyo lang po kasi nalalalaman ay pangarap ko na iyan mula ng ako'y bata pa."

Now that I really think about it, may kababawan pala talaga ako noh?

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made (May 2005)

Wipe away the tarnish

brush away the fear

behold,

Beauty begets none but beauty

if you only look within.

Arise from the mire

and soar from the lies.

Shed off the pauper clothes

oh daughter of the King.

Let His mercies wash You

His grace to you would heal

then as good as new,

be what you're meant to be.

#####

just got back from a seminar about personal effectiveness

it's just how amazing how God created each one of us isn't it?

Closed Doors

If there's one thing I've been learning to love lately, it's the sight of a closed door. The feelings that go with it would always be there I guess-- rejection and loneliness do always sting even just a bit.. stuff you don't really get numb to.

It really amazes me how the things that used to send me scurrrying into my bitter shell seems to liberate me even more. Hopes that never came to pass-- an application turned down, a business venture not materializing, a diet that doesn't work (and weight that was never lost) or a seemingly special guy getting married... closed doors.

I guess knowing the good Heavenly Father makes bittereness impossible. How could a good Father hold back something good from His child?
Now I feel like a closed door is more of a wonderful favor from a caring Dad who doesn't want you to go wasting your time staring at the wrong door for too long; who doesn't want you to settle for less than the perfect one He wills for you.

Seeing it that way, it still stings a bit, but it makes me feel so much better.
Much better than ice cream, low fat pa :)