Perfection.
I've always wanted to be perfect. That is a terrible confession I now publicly make. I don't want to make mistakes, especially in things that I can't bear a heartbreak about. That is why I've been running most of my life. Running from risks. Running from love.
Religion came along as a perfect guise. You see, I thought there is a way to avoid risks; a road to perfection without having to risk getting hurt along the way. I thought I can be safe forever.
Am I doubting my Shield and my Sun? Far from it.
But last night, I witnessed something significant. A picture of perfection in my mind crumbled. Admittedly, at first, I wanted to curse anything that led me to believe that perfection is possible. I wanted to curl up and hide deeper into my shell thinking that I'm darned for life for holding out for something that is not going to happen.
I didn't even want to look closer. I thought it might damage me for good if I come to see the ruins of what once was my idea of perfection. But I was wrong. I saw something even more beautiful.
I saw grace.
In the midst of imperfection, I saw the beauty of grace.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Sleeping Heart
My heart is asleep.
This is what I recently discovered while lying on my bed one sleepless night. I tried tapping on it a couple of times and I finally concluded. Goodness, it IS asleep. I was not really surprised, just quite in awe. You see, the slumber is very much welcome--convenient for me to work on my character, my ministry and all my plans.
Apol and I were talking during one of those weekly sleep overs we have and I mentioned, "I finally appreciate the dealings." (Because yes, at a point I did struggle, and the recent dealings, well it's a long story). "Why?" she asked. "Well, in times of... err... insanity (with no better word to use), it's good that there's just virtually NO ONE to think about, and to wallow about, and to wonder (as in "Siya na ba?" kind of wonder) about. So I snap out of it easily. And that just makes me feel so free. Lol
My heart is asleep. It is not restless, it does not yearn. It beats for no one but my Lord.
Until that time comes maybe, until that time comes.
Passage Song of Solomon 2:7:
7 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
This is what I recently discovered while lying on my bed one sleepless night. I tried tapping on it a couple of times and I finally concluded. Goodness, it IS asleep. I was not really surprised, just quite in awe. You see, the slumber is very much welcome--convenient for me to work on my character, my ministry and all my plans.
Apol and I were talking during one of those weekly sleep overs we have and I mentioned, "I finally appreciate the dealings." (Because yes, at a point I did struggle, and the recent dealings, well it's a long story). "Why?" she asked. "Well, in times of... err... insanity (with no better word to use), it's good that there's just virtually NO ONE to think about, and to wallow about, and to wonder (as in "Siya na ba?" kind of wonder) about. So I snap out of it easily. And that just makes me feel so free. Lol
My heart is asleep. It is not restless, it does not yearn. It beats for no one but my Lord.
Until that time comes maybe, until that time comes.
Passage Song of Solomon 2:7:
7 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Showbiz naman
Showbiz news naman. Have you seen the cutie Direk Paul Soriano, Toni Gonzaga's first ever boyfriend? Ain't he gorgeous? And everybody now thinks she made a good decision passing up on Luis and Sam. It's good to be waiting on the Lord ;)
And the ever famous line from Toni: "He's an answered prayer."
Awwwww...
*larawan ginamit ng walang permiso mula sa isang site na malamang ay ginamit din ang larawan ng walang permiso mula sa friendster ni direk haha
Monday, June 18, 2007
Posted Feb 24, 2005. The Phantom of the Opera is here... inside my head
To whom does true love belong?
Is it to the man who poured himself out to a woman whom he loved from the darkness of his hiding?
Or is it to the boy, now all grown in stature, who blossomed with her shoulder to shoulder, and who has seen her at her worst?
Is it to the Voice who captivates her?
Or to the Warmth that brings all that is real?
Could it be perhaps to the woman who, amidst all the fears, had dared to love?
To her who tried to look beyond the deformity of the face... even that of the soul?
Is it maybe to the man who would give all.. and kill all.. for her glory?
Or to the other who beseeched to be her freedom?
Is it to him who let go?
or to the brave one who fought til the end?
Is it to him who gave her happiness?
or to the other who, in darkness, loved til her last breath?
------------
remnants of the movie inside my head.
btw, why do you think should you keep your hand to the level of your eyes?
huling hirit na po on love. pagpapaalam sa buwan ng pebrero.
Is it to the man who poured himself out to a woman whom he loved from the darkness of his hiding?
Or is it to the boy, now all grown in stature, who blossomed with her shoulder to shoulder, and who has seen her at her worst?
Is it to the Voice who captivates her?
Or to the Warmth that brings all that is real?
Could it be perhaps to the woman who, amidst all the fears, had dared to love?
To her who tried to look beyond the deformity of the face... even that of the soul?
Is it maybe to the man who would give all.. and kill all.. for her glory?
Or to the other who beseeched to be her freedom?
Is it to him who let go?
or to the brave one who fought til the end?
Is it to him who gave her happiness?
or to the other who, in darkness, loved til her last breath?
------------
remnants of the movie inside my head.
btw, why do you think should you keep your hand to the level of your eyes?
huling hirit na po on love. pagpapaalam sa buwan ng pebrero.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Posted: Feb 20,2005
Dear you,
Hear I am, indulging again in the foolishness of writing to someone I am yet to know. Luanne is actually baffled with my audacity to write such intimate musings on-line. I guess deep down I'm hoping I'd get through you somehow- like a hi-tech way of going up the mountains and screaming from the top of my lungs at the world, hoping you'd hear.
I am supposed to be somewhere now. At the UPfair actually. All my college life, I've lived for the fair. To spend at least a night there, smoking my lungs out, damaging my eardrums and getting drunk, only to wake up the next morning (or afternoon), really sore. Maybe its because I dropped all those vices that I think I have nothing to do there anyway. Or maybe I just outgrew it. I am glad I've met old friends there, but I decided to make a detour to a netshop before I go back in to all the noise; To finally write down all these things going on inside my mind.
It gets pathetic I know. I just badly need an affirmation that you're there, somewhere, right now.
I had a talk with a friend the other day and she says you don't exist-- that is, there is no such thing as a person destined for you. God respects our choices, she says and would gladly bless our decision. It took me aback. MAybe it was all those sweetdreams and romance novels I've devoured since I was eight that I became such a sucker for destiny. Along the way, I tried to brush it away as being merely idealistic, but believing in a good, sovereign God makes it so hard to deny.
-- -- -- -- --
The other night, I went out with someone from the past.
All night I've been thinking, "why not indulge in the insanity of the night?"
Why not lean closer to catch his scent? Why not blush with all those sweet nothings he allowed to slip out before he bit his lip? Why not surrender my hand to his? Why not drown in his eyes for a while? And why not give him a goodbye kiss and blame it all on the moon?
But then I remember you.
That night, all I had to offer was a friendly handshake. As his hand slowly slid from mine while he was walking away, and as I watched his back grow smaller to the dark horizon, I knew I made a choice.
You better be really worth the wait.
Hear I am, indulging again in the foolishness of writing to someone I am yet to know. Luanne is actually baffled with my audacity to write such intimate musings on-line. I guess deep down I'm hoping I'd get through you somehow- like a hi-tech way of going up the mountains and screaming from the top of my lungs at the world, hoping you'd hear.
I am supposed to be somewhere now. At the UPfair actually. All my college life, I've lived for the fair. To spend at least a night there, smoking my lungs out, damaging my eardrums and getting drunk, only to wake up the next morning (or afternoon), really sore. Maybe its because I dropped all those vices that I think I have nothing to do there anyway. Or maybe I just outgrew it. I am glad I've met old friends there, but I decided to make a detour to a netshop before I go back in to all the noise; To finally write down all these things going on inside my mind.
It gets pathetic I know. I just badly need an affirmation that you're there, somewhere, right now.
I had a talk with a friend the other day and she says you don't exist-- that is, there is no such thing as a person destined for you. God respects our choices, she says and would gladly bless our decision. It took me aback. MAybe it was all those sweetdreams and romance novels I've devoured since I was eight that I became such a sucker for destiny. Along the way, I tried to brush it away as being merely idealistic, but believing in a good, sovereign God makes it so hard to deny.
-- -- -- -- --
The other night, I went out with someone from the past.
All night I've been thinking, "why not indulge in the insanity of the night?"
Why not lean closer to catch his scent? Why not blush with all those sweet nothings he allowed to slip out before he bit his lip? Why not surrender my hand to his? Why not drown in his eyes for a while? And why not give him a goodbye kiss and blame it all on the moon?
But then I remember you.
That night, all I had to offer was a friendly handshake. As his hand slowly slid from mine while he was walking away, and as I watched his back grow smaller to the dark horizon, I knew I made a choice.
You better be really worth the wait.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Magnanimous blog
Muli nanaman kaming nagkita. Napakatagal nang panahon ang nakalipas mula noong huli ko siyang nasilayan. Akala ko ay namalikmata lang ako pero siya nga. siya nga si magnanimous crush.
Let me start with the beginning of my Saturday: my devotions. My devotions was about Jesus walking on water. I was wondering why Jesus had to walk past his discpiles, on water take note, when He could have simply calmed the storm for them. And then I realized-- Jesus was showing them what can be done. Jesus was changing the ways of His disciples by showing them that instead of fretting, they can actually walk on water. Instead of worrying about one's circumstances, one can actually rise above the torrents. Unfortunately, only Peter dared to follow suit.
That day I got to reflect on my ways. The things I settle on because I dare not follow suit after my Lord. That morning, I prayed for eyes that would see what is possible in Christ and the heart that would dare follow after my Lord.
Kinagabihan ay nakita ko sa TV si magnanimous crush. Ni-interview siya ni Donita Rose sa channel 33.
Next to John lloyd, he is my most artistahin crush (considering the fact that John lloyd is an artista). I remember my colleagues and I were enamored almost instantly by his good looks. He was tall, dark, lean and ruggedly handsome. There was a whiff of mystery in the intensity of his eyes and such charm in his quick wit and intelligent remarks.
I remember I even wrote a blog entry about him.
There was another side to his good looks and charm, I discovered. While watching him converse with Donita, I was in utter disbelief as I listened to him talk of his faith and his total turn-around for the Lord; I was awestruck by the depth of his insight regarding vision and love. One of his analogies I could not forget is about relationships: two people being intimate, whether physical or emotional, is like two different colored pieces of paper being glued to each other-- like red and white, he cites. When the relationship ends, the pieces of paper break off from each other leaving marks of the red paper on the white and vice versa. Sadly, the breaking off may even leave large holes. Profound, eh?
I am not saying that Jesus is showing him to me now because he is the one; God forbid that his wonderful marriage with his equally good looking wife would end. But in the midst of all the voices telling me to settle, God shows me that He still make men of this kind--- men of vision, of faith, of surrender... and of good looks! wahaha
Let me start with the beginning of my Saturday: my devotions. My devotions was about Jesus walking on water. I was wondering why Jesus had to walk past his discpiles, on water take note, when He could have simply calmed the storm for them. And then I realized-- Jesus was showing them what can be done. Jesus was changing the ways of His disciples by showing them that instead of fretting, they can actually walk on water. Instead of worrying about one's circumstances, one can actually rise above the torrents. Unfortunately, only Peter dared to follow suit.
That day I got to reflect on my ways. The things I settle on because I dare not follow suit after my Lord. That morning, I prayed for eyes that would see what is possible in Christ and the heart that would dare follow after my Lord.
Kinagabihan ay nakita ko sa TV si magnanimous crush. Ni-interview siya ni Donita Rose sa channel 33.
Next to John lloyd, he is my most artistahin crush (considering the fact that John lloyd is an artista). I remember my colleagues and I were enamored almost instantly by his good looks. He was tall, dark, lean and ruggedly handsome. There was a whiff of mystery in the intensity of his eyes and such charm in his quick wit and intelligent remarks.
I remember I even wrote a blog entry about him.
There was another side to his good looks and charm, I discovered. While watching him converse with Donita, I was in utter disbelief as I listened to him talk of his faith and his total turn-around for the Lord; I was awestruck by the depth of his insight regarding vision and love. One of his analogies I could not forget is about relationships: two people being intimate, whether physical or emotional, is like two different colored pieces of paper being glued to each other-- like red and white, he cites. When the relationship ends, the pieces of paper break off from each other leaving marks of the red paper on the white and vice versa. Sadly, the breaking off may even leave large holes. Profound, eh?
I am not saying that Jesus is showing him to me now because he is the one; God forbid that his wonderful marriage with his equally good looking wife would end. But in the midst of all the voices telling me to settle, God shows me that He still make men of this kind--- men of vision, of faith, of surrender... and of good looks! wahaha
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Way Back... Into Love?
Posted: January 30,2005
What do you do when an old lover lingers by your doorstep?
I inhale the scent of yesterday and realize it wasn't just a dream. There's a vague taste of nostalgia, but twas too disjointed from reality really to unearth memories I refuse to acknowledge.
What do you do when an old lover says hello?
I wonder if time stopped from where he stood or I just thought I've ran far enough already. Do old lovers really trail behind, though you think it was all abandoned?
What do you do when an old lover smiles?
Almost a stranger, but too familiar to be one. And I, much different from the one who was in his arms(but not entirely changed I guess, to be unrecognized).
What do you do when an old lover reaches out his hand?
Looking forward to the vast unknown that lies before me, then looking back to the comfort of familiar arms... I hesitate for a while.
But that is not where I belong.
######
pangunahan ko na kayo. Hindi ito dahil kay ano. I just found it a fitting metaphor.
What do you do when an old lover lingers by your doorstep?
I inhale the scent of yesterday and realize it wasn't just a dream. There's a vague taste of nostalgia, but twas too disjointed from reality really to unearth memories I refuse to acknowledge.
What do you do when an old lover says hello?
I wonder if time stopped from where he stood or I just thought I've ran far enough already. Do old lovers really trail behind, though you think it was all abandoned?
What do you do when an old lover smiles?
Almost a stranger, but too familiar to be one. And I, much different from the one who was in his arms(but not entirely changed I guess, to be unrecognized).
What do you do when an old lover reaches out his hand?
Looking forward to the vast unknown that lies before me, then looking back to the comfort of familiar arms... I hesitate for a while.
But that is not where I belong.
######
pangunahan ko na kayo. Hindi ito dahil kay ano. I just found it a fitting metaphor.
flashback: Of Lovers in Paris and Finding the Right One
Posted January 23 2005
My roommate is currently obsessed with the craze of the town. It's not that I'm not into 'lovers' myself, I did force my eyes open when I heard Kitchie Nadal singing through my roomie's computer sound blasters that fateful Saturday (early) morning. It was Lovers in Paris volume 16, 17 and the final episode 20. Forced to analyze the whole thing every few minutes, in sync with my roommate's sporadic thoughts of the Koreanovela ending, I realized one thing. Vivian and Carlo were wondering--if things wouldn't have happened as they did, would they still have met? The ending answered their question. The scene showed Vivian, on her first day in Paris having dinner by herself, with Carlo just right behind her. Unfortunately, they were totally oblivous of each other.
If watching Lovers in Paris is also one of your guilty pleasures, you would realize that they've actually became conscious of each other's exsitence way after Vivian arrived in Paris. Their "story," though, actually started way earlier than they thought it did, during those fleeting brushes with destiny that only heavenly beings witnessed. Who knows, they might've even shopped in the same grocery store in Korea or something.
Well it kindov reminded me of my own "story." A couple of years ago, I posted my testimony in peyups.com about my whirlwind romance with, who else, my wonderful JC. Now I realized, it wasn't as "sudden" as my cold turkey quitting of my old life. The first time I actually heard of Jesus and prayed THE prayer was when I was eight years old. Even before that, I couldn't even fathom how many "brushes" with destiny I have had already. That was how long the actual pursuit was,before I was shaken to my senses and realized Love was right there under my nose.
Now I wonder...
A few hours ago, while talking to my co-teacher, Nate (who was a college batchmate), another co-teacher made a joke about me getting married (take note: it was a joke .) Suddenly, Nate brightened up, being so glad for me and all, and said "oh yeah? me too!" (Refering to her recent engagement with the love of her life).Kinda embarassing to explain that it was jsut a joke, really.
I can't believe that the idea of me in a wedding dress is nothing but a source of comic relief for me when its actual reality for someone of the same age. Yeah, yeah, I know God has his IEPs (Individualized Education Plan)for all of us. I was just wondering if, once again, I am making the pursuit so long, delaying the happy ever after, when 'the one' might just be under my nose... with me being so stubborn to mature (and be ready for God's will) AGAIN.
Far be it I hope. Far be it.
My roommate is currently obsessed with the craze of the town. It's not that I'm not into 'lovers' myself, I did force my eyes open when I heard Kitchie Nadal singing through my roomie's computer sound blasters that fateful Saturday (early) morning. It was Lovers in Paris volume 16, 17 and the final episode 20. Forced to analyze the whole thing every few minutes, in sync with my roommate's sporadic thoughts of the Koreanovela ending, I realized one thing. Vivian and Carlo were wondering--if things wouldn't have happened as they did, would they still have met? The ending answered their question. The scene showed Vivian, on her first day in Paris having dinner by herself, with Carlo just right behind her. Unfortunately, they were totally oblivous of each other.
If watching Lovers in Paris is also one of your guilty pleasures, you would realize that they've actually became conscious of each other's exsitence way after Vivian arrived in Paris. Their "story," though, actually started way earlier than they thought it did, during those fleeting brushes with destiny that only heavenly beings witnessed. Who knows, they might've even shopped in the same grocery store in Korea or something.
Well it kindov reminded me of my own "story." A couple of years ago, I posted my testimony in peyups.com about my whirlwind romance with, who else, my wonderful JC. Now I realized, it wasn't as "sudden" as my cold turkey quitting of my old life. The first time I actually heard of Jesus and prayed THE prayer was when I was eight years old. Even before that, I couldn't even fathom how many "brushes" with destiny I have had already. That was how long the actual pursuit was,before I was shaken to my senses and realized Love was right there under my nose.
Now I wonder...
A few hours ago, while talking to my co-teacher, Nate (who was a college batchmate), another co-teacher made a joke about me getting married (take note: it was a joke .) Suddenly, Nate brightened up, being so glad for me and all, and said "oh yeah? me too!" (Refering to her recent engagement with the love of her life).Kinda embarassing to explain that it was jsut a joke, really.
I can't believe that the idea of me in a wedding dress is nothing but a source of comic relief for me when its actual reality for someone of the same age. Yeah, yeah, I know God has his IEPs (Individualized Education Plan)for all of us. I was just wondering if, once again, I am making the pursuit so long, delaying the happy ever after, when 'the one' might just be under my nose... with me being so stubborn to mature (and be ready for God's will) AGAIN.
Far be it I hope. Far be it.
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