Posted: Feb 12, 2005: Post-Victory Highs (and lows)

I've always thought of myself as non-adventurous. I've always found refuge in things... reliable. Why choose something new over something tested, I always say.

I think my housmates are about to throw up already with the perpetual sight of tofu in our ref. It's my current default food since the on-set of my domesticated phase (I suddenly felt like cooking my own food and washing my own clothes).

One of my student's mom was surprised to see me yesterday wearing girly stilettos. She must've thought I wear my favorite sneakers to sleep. Well, I'm really not boring, if that's how it sounds. If it doesn't involve too much risk like a slightly modified hairdo or a new ingredient to my tofu- like oyster sauce for Monday, Egg and Flour for Tuesday and (I know Luanne is dying to hear this) Toge (beansprouts) on Wednesday.

Okay, okay. I know its more than just being 'non-adventurous'. And don't worry God is shaking me out of my cowardice. Just yesterday, the Lord asked me to go out from my ususal day to face one of my Giants. One that I've been running from for months now. (Thanks Mommy Jill and Kim for your prayers!). True enough, God gave me victory. I just can't remember the last time I had the same high. The high of defeating something that would naturally crush me, only God was on my side.

The other day, during a party in a co-teacher's place, I heard a couple who excitedly told stories about their recent conquests (crusades). Unexpectedly, tears stung my eyes so bad I thought I'd embarrass myself. Tears of envy maybe... and of longing for my own adventures I guess. At times like these I realize I'm made for something else more than a predictable life. When all the fears are momentarily brushed away, deep within my heart I see the love for adventure there. I am made for this. Of all the titles I've acquired as a Christian, (i.e. 'daughter', 'servant', 'light' and all that), I dispised 'warrior' the most. It just didn't fit my preference for unruffled, undisturbed pseudo-peaceful life. But that didn't change the fact though. I am one.

One thing I recenlty learned-- though I choose to close my eyes to the war around me, it doesn't go away. As a matter of fact, a soldier with eyes closed is a soldier just the same. Only more likely to get hit-- Not as a civillian casualty but as a foolish target who doesn't use her armor and ammunition. That leaves me with no choice I guess.

Maiba ako. It's the 12th already. The clock ticks til the 17th. Would the elephants realize the chains are loose? (haha, those who have ears let them hear). This elephant is having a hard time playing the field, hehe.


#######
SOme things could really change in the span of two years huh? ;)

Way Back... Into Love?

Posted: January 30,2005

What do you do when an old lover lingers by your doorstep?

I inhale the scent of yesterday and realize it wasn't just a dream. There's a vague taste of nostalgia, but twas too disjointed from reality really to unearth memories I refuse to acknowledge.

What do you do when an old lover says hello?

I wonder if time stopped from where he stood or I just thought I've ran far enough already. Do old lovers really trail behind, though you think it was all abandoned?

What do you do when an old lover smiles?

Almost a stranger, but too familiar to be one. And I, much different from the one who was in his arms(but not entirely changed I guess, to be unrecognized).

What do you do when an old lover reaches out his hand?

Looking forward to the vast unknown that lies before me, then looking back to the comfort of familiar arms... I hesitate for a while.

But that is not where I belong.

######

pangunahan ko na kayo. Hindi ito dahil kay ano. I just found it a fitting metaphor.

flashback: Of Lovers in Paris and Finding the Right One

Posted January 23 2005

My roommate is currently obsessed with the craze of the town. It's not that I'm not into 'lovers' myself, I did force my eyes open when I heard Kitchie Nadal singing through my roomie's computer sound blasters that fateful Saturday (early) morning. It was Lovers in Paris volume 16, 17 and the final episode 20. Forced to analyze the whole thing every few minutes, in sync with my roommate's sporadic thoughts of the Koreanovela ending, I realized one thing. Vivian and Carlo were wondering--if things wouldn't have happened as they did, would they still have met? The ending answered their question. The scene showed Vivian, on her first day in Paris having dinner by herself, with Carlo just right behind her. Unfortunately, they were totally oblivous of each other.

If watching Lovers in Paris is also one of your guilty pleasures, you would realize that they've actually became conscious of each other's exsitence way after Vivian arrived in Paris. Their "story," though, actually started way earlier than they thought it did, during those fleeting brushes with destiny that only heavenly beings witnessed. Who knows, they might've even shopped in the same grocery store in Korea or something.

Well it kindov reminded me of my own "story." A couple of years ago, I posted my testimony in peyups.com about my whirlwind romance with, who else, my wonderful JC. Now I realized, it wasn't as "sudden" as my cold turkey quitting of my old life. The first time I actually heard of Jesus and prayed THE prayer was when I was eight years old. Even before that, I couldn't even fathom how many "brushes" with destiny I have had already. That was how long the actual pursuit was,before I was shaken to my senses and realized Love was right there under my nose.

Now I wonder...

A few hours ago, while talking to my co-teacher, Nate (who was a college batchmate), another co-teacher made a joke about me getting married (take note: it was a joke .) Suddenly, Nate brightened up, being so glad for me and all, and said "oh yeah? me too!" (Refering to her recent engagement with the love of her life).Kinda embarassing to explain that it was jsut a joke, really.

I can't believe that the idea of me in a wedding dress is nothing but a source of comic relief for me when its actual reality for someone of the same age. Yeah, yeah, I know God has his IEPs (Individualized Education Plan)for all of us. I was just wondering if, once again, I am making the pursuit so long, delaying the happy ever after, when 'the one' might just be under my nose... with me being so stubborn to mature (and be ready for God's will) AGAIN.

Far be it I hope. Far be it.

Moving In

I'm moving in to blogspot.

Blog-city was courteous enough to inform me that by the end of the year, they would be charging me for keeping my blog-city account.

Either that or I move out.

In short, I'm being evicted. And for the next few postings you would notice that I would be moving my archives from there to here little by little.

Let us reminisce then of all the sense or nosense that I made on my previous articles, haha. Let's enjoy a little nostalgia in the air, as I do not have much time to write new posting anyway since I am busy writing work-stuff hehe

Enjoy!