Posted: Feb 20,2005

Dear you,

Hear I am, indulging again in the foolishness of writing to someone I am yet to know. Luanne is actually baffled with my audacity to write such intimate musings on-line. I guess deep down I'm hoping I'd get through you somehow- like a hi-tech way of going up the mountains and screaming from the top of my lungs at the world, hoping you'd hear.

I am supposed to be somewhere now. At the UPfair actually. All my college life, I've lived for the fair. To spend at least a night there, smoking my lungs out, damaging my eardrums and getting drunk, only to wake up the next morning (or afternoon), really sore. Maybe its because I dropped all those vices that I think I have nothing to do there anyway. Or maybe I just outgrew it. I am glad I've met old friends there, but I decided to make a detour to a netshop before I go back in to all the noise; To finally write down all these things going on inside my mind.

It gets pathetic I know. I just badly need an affirmation that you're there, somewhere, right now.

I had a talk with a friend the other day and she says you don't exist-- that is, there is no such thing as a person destined for you. God respects our choices, she says and would gladly bless our decision. It took me aback. MAybe it was all those sweetdreams and romance novels I've devoured since I was eight that I became such a sucker for destiny. Along the way, I tried to brush it away as being merely idealistic, but believing in a good, sovereign God makes it so hard to deny.

-- -- -- -- --

The other night, I went out with someone from the past.

All night I've been thinking, "why not indulge in the insanity of the night?"

Why not lean closer to catch his scent? Why not blush with all those sweet nothings he allowed to slip out before he bit his lip? Why not surrender my hand to his? Why not drown in his eyes for a while? And why not give him a goodbye kiss and blame it all on the moon?

But then I remember you.

That night, all I had to offer was a friendly handshake. As his hand slowly slid from mine while he was walking away, and as I watched his back grow smaller to the dark horizon, I knew I made a choice.

You better be really worth the wait.