I have a lovesick dad.
You must understand how overwhelming that realization is for me. My relationship with my dad is the closest to non-existence among all my meaningful ones. Although I must admit that it has the greates impact in my life.
Lately, i find myself being attracted to guys with the same qualities as my dad. Not surprising. I actually had one whole class teaching us about love, relationshps and marriage (cool major,huh?) and studies show that it has been a trend for women to be attracted with guys that resemble their fathers in one way or another.
Maybe that explains my taste for tall, dark and bumbayin guys. A lot of people say my dad looks like he stepped out from the 70's action movies. Pang goons ba ang dating. Maybe that's why pretty boys don't appeal to me that much.
Maybe that's why I prefer mystery over extroversion; pure testosterone over being in touch with the feminine side; logic over emotions; being tough and complicated and unexpressive... disclaimer: not that i haven't fallen for any smooth talker's trap.
Still a surprise for me, though. You see, I remeber i got to the point of vowing that I'd never marry anyone like my dad. Obviously, I had my grudges against my dad along with all my teenage angst. I'm not dismissing it as anything juvenile, though. They were valid issues and hurts-- though I would rather not recount now.
I was in awe... or should i say, i was mortified then, how my mom could take him all these years; I was plainly disgusted with how patient and sincere she was, serving my dad and being his good housewife even during drunken nights or on days that my dad would walk in and out of our house like a passive breeze.
Suddenly it struck me. While ordering my big breakfast at mcdo, it just struck me.
I just realized that there must be something that my mom sees that we don't see. A part of who dad is that only my mom sees from her side of the bed, during their conversations in the dark (not that i'm evesdropping); something... something about my dad that makes her embrace everythng he is.
Overwheming.
And just the same day of my enlightmenment at Mcdonald's, I received news from my sister that Dad just took his early retirement.
You see, my mom just left for the states a couple of months ago. It appears that my Dad just couldn't contain her absence, thus the premature retirement to be able to follow after her soon.
The picture of a lovesick dad has never crossed my mind this past 23 years. I guess I've always seen him from my side of the fence as the tough, objective, unemotional guy.
I have a lovesick dad. Haha, I just can't get over it.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Mahirap magaamhal ng isang call girl (April 2006)
Mahirap magmahal ng call girl. Yan ang bago kong discovery.
Sa mga di nakakaalam, isa akong call (center) girl at mag aapat na buwan pa lang naman sa industriya. Maraming nagtatanong, why the sudden change?-- kung sabagay, dati akong isang guro, at ang bokasyong pagtuturo ay isang napaka marangal na bokasyon. That must mean I'm the idealistic type, not the kind that go after the material perks of this supposedly shallow vocation. Well, this is not all about justifying this move. Marami'y di maintindihan. Sabi pa nga nila, if you're underpaid as a teacher, Eh di mag abroad ka! Tutal, atat na rin naman ang kalahati ng pamilya ko na sumunod na ako 'dun. Well, as I've said, not a lot would understand the rationale behind it. And it's not the point.
Ang ibig ko lang namang sabihin ay... mahirap magmahal ng call girl. Not necessarily in a romantic way, I should add. Katulad ngayon, at ang nakalipas na mga gabi ako'y mapag-isa dito sa apartment dahil ang mga kasambahay ko ay nagbabaksayon sa iba't-ibang bahagi ng Pilipinas. Well, bahagi ng pinirmahan kong kontrata ang pagttrabaho sa holidays kaya 'di ako maka imik. Gusto man akong samahan ng iba kong kaibigan, may obligasyon 'din sila sa kanilang pamilya. 'Di bale, ang sabi ko, 'di rin naman kami nagkikita talaga eh. Pag gising sila, tulog naman ako. Ang good morning ko ay good night na sa kanila. Pero malungkot parin the past days, man.
Nataon pa na off ko kanina. Lonely mornings I could sleep off. Lonely nights-- when going out alone AND on a holy week is not an option, kakaloka. I just rented a bunch of movies, gobbled a couple of bags of chips and chucked gallons of coke and semi-wallowed. Feels good really, until I reached to a realization that I can't do this everytime I'm alone.
On my last off I was lucky to have somebody sleep over sa bahay sa Pamp. We watched a buncha movies too, til 6am. And my dad caught us eating ice cream in the kitchen... TWICE!!! Good for her though, she lasted. The other night, 'di ako kinaya ng mga kaibigan kong naglakas loob mag ayang mag movie marathon. Tinulugan ako.
Mga work mates ko? Umaga nag-iinuman. Well. 'Di ko naman problema yun, anyway. Tagal nako 'di umiinom kaya di na problema i schedule.
Man. My schedule and body clock's all screwed up. Ang hirap humanap ng human interaction, from the normal world, that is.
Ang hirap magmahal ng call girl noh?
Sa mga di nakakaalam, isa akong call (center) girl at mag aapat na buwan pa lang naman sa industriya. Maraming nagtatanong, why the sudden change?-- kung sabagay, dati akong isang guro, at ang bokasyong pagtuturo ay isang napaka marangal na bokasyon. That must mean I'm the idealistic type, not the kind that go after the material perks of this supposedly shallow vocation. Well, this is not all about justifying this move. Marami'y di maintindihan. Sabi pa nga nila, if you're underpaid as a teacher, Eh di mag abroad ka! Tutal, atat na rin naman ang kalahati ng pamilya ko na sumunod na ako 'dun. Well, as I've said, not a lot would understand the rationale behind it. And it's not the point.
Ang ibig ko lang namang sabihin ay... mahirap magmahal ng call girl. Not necessarily in a romantic way, I should add. Katulad ngayon, at ang nakalipas na mga gabi ako'y mapag-isa dito sa apartment dahil ang mga kasambahay ko ay nagbabaksayon sa iba't-ibang bahagi ng Pilipinas. Well, bahagi ng pinirmahan kong kontrata ang pagttrabaho sa holidays kaya 'di ako maka imik. Gusto man akong samahan ng iba kong kaibigan, may obligasyon 'din sila sa kanilang pamilya. 'Di bale, ang sabi ko, 'di rin naman kami nagkikita talaga eh. Pag gising sila, tulog naman ako. Ang good morning ko ay good night na sa kanila. Pero malungkot parin the past days, man.
Nataon pa na off ko kanina. Lonely mornings I could sleep off. Lonely nights-- when going out alone AND on a holy week is not an option, kakaloka. I just rented a bunch of movies, gobbled a couple of bags of chips and chucked gallons of coke and semi-wallowed. Feels good really, until I reached to a realization that I can't do this everytime I'm alone.
On my last off I was lucky to have somebody sleep over sa bahay sa Pamp. We watched a buncha movies too, til 6am. And my dad caught us eating ice cream in the kitchen... TWICE!!! Good for her though, she lasted. The other night, 'di ako kinaya ng mga kaibigan kong naglakas loob mag ayang mag movie marathon. Tinulugan ako.
Mga work mates ko? Umaga nag-iinuman. Well. 'Di ko naman problema yun, anyway. Tagal nako 'di umiinom kaya di na problema i schedule.
Man. My schedule and body clock's all screwed up. Ang hirap humanap ng human interaction, from the normal world, that is.
Ang hirap magmahal ng call girl noh?
feb 2006
"winter has gone, the rain has passed
and all i see are flowers everywhere
you love is flowing over me,
your love is flowing over me...
love of my life your joy is my strength
love of my life, everything's not the same when your beside me
face to face
i can only whisper a few words
like i love you, Love..."
--- song by Mitchie Taladua (derived from the book Song of songs)
I almost can't remember the bitter cold of winter.
Well, i know... i know very well how desolate it was for me; i know so well how i wept and sighed; i know very well how i reached out yet never grasped anything; how i started to wonder if the word will ever come to pass; how each day i hoped for the turn of the season...
I remember how it was, but I can never quite remember how it felt.
Does one really forget the pain, when love comes her way? Can divine romance erase and make-up twofolds for the loss and the grief?
Healing has come my way...
Just as much as I have been wounded through people and circumstances, healing has come through godsent persons and wonderful moments that seem to pick up bits and pieces of my broken self ... hope that one day, sealed beautifully in His love, I shall be fully restored to His image and likeness.
and all i see are flowers everywhere
you love is flowing over me,
your love is flowing over me...
love of my life your joy is my strength
love of my life, everything's not the same when your beside me
face to face
i can only whisper a few words
like i love you, Love..."
--- song by Mitchie Taladua (derived from the book Song of songs)
I almost can't remember the bitter cold of winter.
Well, i know... i know very well how desolate it was for me; i know so well how i wept and sighed; i know very well how i reached out yet never grasped anything; how i started to wonder if the word will ever come to pass; how each day i hoped for the turn of the season...
I remember how it was, but I can never quite remember how it felt.
Does one really forget the pain, when love comes her way? Can divine romance erase and make-up twofolds for the loss and the grief?
Healing has come my way...
Just as much as I have been wounded through people and circumstances, healing has come through godsent persons and wonderful moments that seem to pick up bits and pieces of my broken self ... hope that one day, sealed beautifully in His love, I shall be fully restored to His image and likeness.
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