Struck with curiosity as to how many people actually had "lonely Christmas" as their blog topic, I googled these key words: blog+lonely+Christmas. Guess how many hits I got? 2,710,000 results.
That probably gives you a clue on what I am about to blog, huh?
Well Christmas was really not THAT lonely. Jet and I did enjoy our almost-tradition roadtrip-- to Baguio this time (the last time was Banawe-Sagada). But it is lonely for a few reasons:
1. Lola died of stroke the eve of Christmas :(
2. It's my first Christmas without my parents home
3. Having spent time with Atsi, Kuya Marvs and the kids last month, I missed them terribly after they left. Especially the chinky-eyed tandem of Faith-faith and Bebe!
4. Spending Christmas day on a funeral service
5. Working late in the office alone the day after Christmas
6. Being alone in my apartment for the next couple of weeks
(You do notice that I deliberately did not include being single on this list right?)
According to survey, suicide rates spike during Christmas season. I suppose it's the isolation people feel when everyone else seems to be happy and having fun. Come to think of it, with all th lonely people in the world, including the 2 million lonely bloggers, nobody really has to be that lonely since a lot of people share the same predicament. I'm sure there'd be somebody there to have a Merry Christmas with, if only we look at who is there beside us instead of wallowing on who is not.
Have a Merry Christmas lonely bloggers!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Christmas Wish for Next Year
Well Guess what's on the top of my next year's Christmas list?
If you have the urge to give me a post-Christmas gift for 2007, I would gladly welcome it!!!
Those photos were taken by, who else, Manong Dan during the LB Church outing early this month. I fell in ♥love♥ with Julie's D40x! With Manong Dan's very useful tips, taking puctures was not frustrating at all.☺
Monday, December 3, 2007
It's Time
It's time... nutmeg.blog-city.com will say goodbye in 27 days. It has been a good 2 years blogging with it...blogging free that is. Well, now blog-city would like to take the space back.
Following are reposts of blogs that I was able to salvage before all drifts away. Enjoy!
Following are reposts of blogs that I was able to salvage before all drifts away. Enjoy!
May 2007
For the months of April and May, our project focuses on researching and producing articles regarding superstitious beliefs of different countries. So far I have written about Mexico, South Korea, Laos, Thailand, Lithuania, Romania, Switzerland, Taiwan, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iceland, Canada... I'm not sure if I left out any... I think that's it so far... and I'm currently working on Burkina Faso and Lesotho.
One interesting thing about this current project is that I get to meet gods of different cultures and beliefs. I have read about those as famous as Gautama Bhudda and Confucius (although not claiming as gods, they are followed nonetheless) to lesser known deities as the gods of the sun and the trees and the rocks and any imaginable thing haha (animism could be very funny, I tell you). I have ventured a bit on Islam, Hunduism, cults and witchcraft and a weird combinations of all the aforementioned beliefs. But no god has ever come close to my Lord Jesus Christ.
I learned that there are gods who sleep or leave for a vacation and during their absence, the people panic in fear (certain gods that "protect" people from evil in oriental countries like China and Korea leave at the end of the year for a year-end meeting to report to a greater god). The people in turn make up ways to scare off the evils by their own might. None was ever like the Lord who watches me when I sleep; like Him who walks with me through the valley of the shadow of death or He who knows the number of the hairs on my head. They were not like my God who is my Sun and My Shield; the Warrior who strengthens my hand for battle or trains my fingers for war.
Some have strict philosophies that promise enlightenment by voiding oneself from all forms of desires. Not one was like my Lord who promises the desires of my heart, only I delight in Him. That's a win-win sitch-- He says DELIGHT in Him, not suffer in Him. It means you have fun delighting in Him PLUS you get the desires of your heart... just like an icing on a cake.
Karma resembles a word of my Lord that says one reaps what one sows. But no Hindu god is able to erase my broken past and make me just like new again. No blood of sacred animals can ever turn what is as red as scarlet to something whiter than snow itself.
Some may impose strict rules of do's and don'ts but no god has given his very spirit inside his people that they may be able to be righteous. No god has given his people hearts of flesh and no spirit has written his law in the hearts of men unlike the precious Holy Spirit.
Some may heal, like the Sufis of Islam or the Shamans of many cultures (as Siberia and Korea), but none was stricken 39 times so that by his wounds I (or we) may be healed. Medical studies show that all forms of illnesses root to 39 origins. That means ALL disease have been accounted for by the stripes on our Christ's back.
Some people may not worship certain beings and objects but surely they have placed their trust, and unfortunately their fear, in these. People have feared vampires and witches; voodoo and evil eyes. Not a single deity have I encountered that promised his perfect love to drive out our fear unlike my God.
There are objects that gained the trust of men. There are totem spirits identified by poles and masks that promise fertility and prosperity. Ironically, every tribe in Burkina Faso has a totem animal and practice mask-dances to ensure fertility in their land yet Burkina Faso is considered as one of the most poverty-stricken countries in the world.
Native Americans put their trust on dreamcatchers to filter their dreams but never have they encountered the Dream Giver Himself.
There is a particular god in the tribes of Africa that is said to have abandoned human kind because he got hurt by a woman who was punding millet with her mortar. My Lord promised that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that nothing could ever separate me from His love.
There are gods who are to be appeased all the time so as to assure their favor; these gods must be pleased continuously else their wrath would come as a curse to the people's lives. Not a single one of these gods has given his only begotten son as a sacrfice so that once and for all, all sins and curses of the past, of the present and even of the future will be ultimately paid for. Not one god was like my Lord who became a man and was led like a sheep to be slaughtered so as I, and any one who puts their trust in Him, will be redeemed. I am yet to see a deity who, instead of remaining unreachable and and unapproachable paid a dear price just to be with me. Just to be with us.
None is like my God. There is no one like Him.
One interesting thing about this current project is that I get to meet gods of different cultures and beliefs. I have read about those as famous as Gautama Bhudda and Confucius (although not claiming as gods, they are followed nonetheless) to lesser known deities as the gods of the sun and the trees and the rocks and any imaginable thing haha (animism could be very funny, I tell you). I have ventured a bit on Islam, Hunduism, cults and witchcraft and a weird combinations of all the aforementioned beliefs. But no god has ever come close to my Lord Jesus Christ.
I learned that there are gods who sleep or leave for a vacation and during their absence, the people panic in fear (certain gods that "protect" people from evil in oriental countries like China and Korea leave at the end of the year for a year-end meeting to report to a greater god). The people in turn make up ways to scare off the evils by their own might. None was ever like the Lord who watches me when I sleep; like Him who walks with me through the valley of the shadow of death or He who knows the number of the hairs on my head. They were not like my God who is my Sun and My Shield; the Warrior who strengthens my hand for battle or trains my fingers for war.
Some have strict philosophies that promise enlightenment by voiding oneself from all forms of desires. Not one was like my Lord who promises the desires of my heart, only I delight in Him. That's a win-win sitch-- He says DELIGHT in Him, not suffer in Him. It means you have fun delighting in Him PLUS you get the desires of your heart... just like an icing on a cake.
Karma resembles a word of my Lord that says one reaps what one sows. But no Hindu god is able to erase my broken past and make me just like new again. No blood of sacred animals can ever turn what is as red as scarlet to something whiter than snow itself.
Some may impose strict rules of do's and don'ts but no god has given his very spirit inside his people that they may be able to be righteous. No god has given his people hearts of flesh and no spirit has written his law in the hearts of men unlike the precious Holy Spirit.
Some may heal, like the Sufis of Islam or the Shamans of many cultures (as Siberia and Korea), but none was stricken 39 times so that by his wounds I (or we) may be healed. Medical studies show that all forms of illnesses root to 39 origins. That means ALL disease have been accounted for by the stripes on our Christ's back.
Some people may not worship certain beings and objects but surely they have placed their trust, and unfortunately their fear, in these. People have feared vampires and witches; voodoo and evil eyes. Not a single deity have I encountered that promised his perfect love to drive out our fear unlike my God.
There are objects that gained the trust of men. There are totem spirits identified by poles and masks that promise fertility and prosperity. Ironically, every tribe in Burkina Faso has a totem animal and practice mask-dances to ensure fertility in their land yet Burkina Faso is considered as one of the most poverty-stricken countries in the world.
Native Americans put their trust on dreamcatchers to filter their dreams but never have they encountered the Dream Giver Himself.
There is a particular god in the tribes of Africa that is said to have abandoned human kind because he got hurt by a woman who was punding millet with her mortar. My Lord promised that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that nothing could ever separate me from His love.
There are gods who are to be appeased all the time so as to assure their favor; these gods must be pleased continuously else their wrath would come as a curse to the people's lives. Not a single one of these gods has given his only begotten son as a sacrfice so that once and for all, all sins and curses of the past, of the present and even of the future will be ultimately paid for. Not one god was like my Lord who became a man and was led like a sheep to be slaughtered so as I, and any one who puts their trust in Him, will be redeemed. I am yet to see a deity who, instead of remaining unreachable and and unapproachable paid a dear price just to be with me. Just to be with us.
None is like my God. There is no one like Him.
Jan 2007
My life is on a pause.
Honestly, I have feared that I would go on spending my precious life just getting by. I have feared that I would keep on thinking that the best is yet to come and go on doing trivial things and wake up one day and realize Im halfway my life and haven't accomplished anything of worth. I have feared that I will use up all my resources-- my health, my ability to dream, my precious time, trying to get by until I have none left for anything else. I have feared of spending my life trying to make a living but not to have lived at all.
And so I pause. I re-assess.
A brave move, some say. Too brave, I sometime think, that I am tempted to hide in the mediocrity of life again.
But honestly?
I want to live.
I want to enjoy the brilliance of the colors surrounding me. I want to throw my head back in laughter. I want to do things that make me feel alive. I want to write. I want paint everyone's faces. I want to love people; To marvel on how special, and funny, and queer each one is (And see how much they've grown and bloomed since that first cell meeting :) ) I want to stare at the sky and feel so tiny for a while. I want to pamper myself to feel pretty and nice. I want to start a project-- decorate a home, tend a garden, cook a meal. I want to converse with people over coffee about seemingly profound nonsense. I want to ravish God's word as if there's no tomorrow. I want to tell the world about things I love-- my latest CBTL swirl card (how much did CBTL pay me to put such a good word about it, jaki asks), daddy freddy's crinkles and asado rolls, the series LOST (well at least the latest-- after dr house, prison break and grey's), Southern chicken of Mocha blends, my Creator and the latest amazing things He has done for me.
But I realized it is a choice. To live is a choice. To live is not easy.
Sometimes you have to choose one thing over another to be able to live. To choose a good night's sleep over a sumptuous pay; A beautiful sunrise over more sleep; An actual waistline over another glass of coke. To choose to toil in order to reap.
It's a choice to make time. It's a choice to restrain from something to make room for another.
It's also the choice to take the risk.
The risk of failing in your new project. The risk of things not turning out the way you expected them to. The risk of getting rejected. The risk of getting hurt.
And I want to choose to live. Really I do.
It aint gonna be easy I know. But I'm sure it's worth it.
...I have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest. John 10:10
Honestly, I have feared that I would go on spending my precious life just getting by. I have feared that I would keep on thinking that the best is yet to come and go on doing trivial things and wake up one day and realize Im halfway my life and haven't accomplished anything of worth. I have feared that I will use up all my resources-- my health, my ability to dream, my precious time, trying to get by until I have none left for anything else. I have feared of spending my life trying to make a living but not to have lived at all.
And so I pause. I re-assess.
A brave move, some say. Too brave, I sometime think, that I am tempted to hide in the mediocrity of life again.
But honestly?
I want to live.
I want to enjoy the brilliance of the colors surrounding me. I want to throw my head back in laughter. I want to do things that make me feel alive. I want to write. I want paint everyone's faces. I want to love people; To marvel on how special, and funny, and queer each one is (And see how much they've grown and bloomed since that first cell meeting :) ) I want to stare at the sky and feel so tiny for a while. I want to pamper myself to feel pretty and nice. I want to start a project-- decorate a home, tend a garden, cook a meal. I want to converse with people over coffee about seemingly profound nonsense. I want to ravish God's word as if there's no tomorrow. I want to tell the world about things I love-- my latest CBTL swirl card (how much did CBTL pay me to put such a good word about it, jaki asks), daddy freddy's crinkles and asado rolls, the series LOST (well at least the latest-- after dr house, prison break and grey's), Southern chicken of Mocha blends, my Creator and the latest amazing things He has done for me.
But I realized it is a choice. To live is a choice. To live is not easy.
Sometimes you have to choose one thing over another to be able to live. To choose a good night's sleep over a sumptuous pay; A beautiful sunrise over more sleep; An actual waistline over another glass of coke. To choose to toil in order to reap.
It's a choice to make time. It's a choice to restrain from something to make room for another.
It's also the choice to take the risk.
The risk of failing in your new project. The risk of things not turning out the way you expected them to. The risk of getting rejected. The risk of getting hurt.
And I want to choose to live. Really I do.
It aint gonna be easy I know. But I'm sure it's worth it.
...I have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest. John 10:10
mahal kita
Maha kita, kaya ko ito isinusulat ngayon.
Ikaw, oo, ikaw. Ikaw na matagal ko ng friendster. Ikaw na ilang beses ko nang nakasabay mag lunch, o napaggastusan ng ilang piso sa text. Ikaw na kakilala ko na ng ilang taon na. Ke nakita mo na ako lumaki (literally) o ngayon-ngayon mo plang naka palagayan ng loob, mahal kita. Para sa yo 'to.
Napaisip lang ako ng malalim lately. Marami akong gustong sabihin at dapat sabihin, pero bakit kababawan lang at kung ano-ano lang ang nasasambit ko? Bakit naghihintay pa ako ng bukas? Bakit umaasta ako na parang wala akong magagawa, wala akong mabibigay wala akong masasabi at wala akong maitutulong.
Pero meron.
Matagal ko nang dapat sinabi at gustong sabihin. Mahal kita. at Mahal ka Niya.
Matagal ko nang gustong sabihin na ang natanggap ko ay hindi lang para sa akin, kundi para sa 'yo rin.
Noong mga araw na manghang-mangha ka sa nangyari sa akin (oh nung inis na inis ka bakit masaya na ako bigla); bakit di na 'ko galit sa lalaki at sa sang kamunduhan; bakit 'di na ko bitter; bakit gusto ko nang mabuhay, inisip mo na natsambahan ko siguro, pero ikaw... 'di na siguro tatablan. 'Di yun totoo pero tumahimik lang ako.
O sa 'yo, na 'di mo nalaman ang nakaraan ko at inakala mo lang na isa akong banal na tao dahil wala-- ako ito at ikaw yan, nagkakamali ka, pero hindi ako umimik.
Pero ito ang totoo. Natanggap ko lamang ito, binago lang ako, nakaranas lang din ng awa. Ngayon gusto kong malaman mo... para sa 'yo rin ito. Walang hindi tinatablan, walang sobrang dense para kay Lord.
Naks naman, KJ na kung KJ, corny na kung corny, pero alam ko sa loob loob mo hinahanap mo rin 'to. Hinahanap mo ang kapatawaran, hinahanap mo ang pagbabago, hinahanap mo ang pagtanggap, hinahanap mo ang tunay na pagmamahal, hinahanap mo ang totoong dahilan ng buhay na ito. Kaya nga naparito si Hesus at namatay sa krus. Kaya nga na Siya, na walang bahid ng kasalanan ay nagparaya ng ang LAHAT ay mabuhay. I mean LIFE pare. I can't explain e, how alive you could feel once You let Him take over your life. Pero man, I felt like it's the first time I've actually lived when I did. Lahat, dude. As in LAHAT. Counted ka dun.
Di naman madali. Sinasabi ko na ngayon pa lang. Exciting. Pero indi madali. Kaya nga naman narrow road eh. Pero if you let His waves of grace take you, san ka pa, lalo kang maiinlab. Di mo alam pano mo kinakaya ang mga Goliath pero tumba sila sa harap mo.
Atsaka andito naman ako, eh. Andito naman kami. Maraming tutulong; maraming sasaklolo.
Ibigay mo lang ang buhay mo sa Kanya, dude. Solb solb ka na.
Mahal kita.
Hirap narin akong makita na ganyan ka. Nalulungkot, natutuliro, di malaman ang kinabukasan, frustrated, walang pag-asa.
Ano, game ka?
Ikaw, oo, ikaw. Ikaw na matagal ko ng friendster. Ikaw na ilang beses ko nang nakasabay mag lunch, o napaggastusan ng ilang piso sa text. Ikaw na kakilala ko na ng ilang taon na. Ke nakita mo na ako lumaki (literally) o ngayon-ngayon mo plang naka palagayan ng loob, mahal kita. Para sa yo 'to.
Napaisip lang ako ng malalim lately. Marami akong gustong sabihin at dapat sabihin, pero bakit kababawan lang at kung ano-ano lang ang nasasambit ko? Bakit naghihintay pa ako ng bukas? Bakit umaasta ako na parang wala akong magagawa, wala akong mabibigay wala akong masasabi at wala akong maitutulong.
Pero meron.
Matagal ko nang dapat sinabi at gustong sabihin. Mahal kita. at Mahal ka Niya.
Matagal ko nang gustong sabihin na ang natanggap ko ay hindi lang para sa akin, kundi para sa 'yo rin.
Noong mga araw na manghang-mangha ka sa nangyari sa akin (oh nung inis na inis ka bakit masaya na ako bigla); bakit di na 'ko galit sa lalaki at sa sang kamunduhan; bakit 'di na ko bitter; bakit gusto ko nang mabuhay, inisip mo na natsambahan ko siguro, pero ikaw... 'di na siguro tatablan. 'Di yun totoo pero tumahimik lang ako.
O sa 'yo, na 'di mo nalaman ang nakaraan ko at inakala mo lang na isa akong banal na tao dahil wala-- ako ito at ikaw yan, nagkakamali ka, pero hindi ako umimik.
Pero ito ang totoo. Natanggap ko lamang ito, binago lang ako, nakaranas lang din ng awa. Ngayon gusto kong malaman mo... para sa 'yo rin ito. Walang hindi tinatablan, walang sobrang dense para kay Lord.
Naks naman, KJ na kung KJ, corny na kung corny, pero alam ko sa loob loob mo hinahanap mo rin 'to. Hinahanap mo ang kapatawaran, hinahanap mo ang pagbabago, hinahanap mo ang pagtanggap, hinahanap mo ang tunay na pagmamahal, hinahanap mo ang totoong dahilan ng buhay na ito. Kaya nga naparito si Hesus at namatay sa krus. Kaya nga na Siya, na walang bahid ng kasalanan ay nagparaya ng ang LAHAT ay mabuhay. I mean LIFE pare. I can't explain e, how alive you could feel once You let Him take over your life. Pero man, I felt like it's the first time I've actually lived when I did. Lahat, dude. As in LAHAT. Counted ka dun.
Di naman madali. Sinasabi ko na ngayon pa lang. Exciting. Pero indi madali. Kaya nga naman narrow road eh. Pero if you let His waves of grace take you, san ka pa, lalo kang maiinlab. Di mo alam pano mo kinakaya ang mga Goliath pero tumba sila sa harap mo.
Atsaka andito naman ako, eh. Andito naman kami. Maraming tutulong; maraming sasaklolo.
Ibigay mo lang ang buhay mo sa Kanya, dude. Solb solb ka na.
Mahal kita.
Hirap narin akong makita na ganyan ka. Nalulungkot, natutuliro, di malaman ang kinabukasan, frustrated, walang pag-asa.
Ano, game ka?
Lovesick Dad (April 2006)
I have a lovesick dad.
You must understand how overwhelming that realization is for me. My relationship with my dad is the closest to non-existence among all my meaningful ones. Although I must admit that it has the greates impact in my life.
Lately, i find myself being attracted to guys with the same qualities as my dad. Not surprising. I actually had one whole class teaching us about love, relationshps and marriage (cool major,huh?) and studies show that it has been a trend for women to be attracted with guys that resemble their fathers in one way or another.
Maybe that explains my taste for tall, dark and bumbayin guys. A lot of people say my dad looks like he stepped out from the 70's action movies. Pang goons ba ang dating. Maybe that's why pretty boys don't appeal to me that much.
Maybe that's why I prefer mystery over extroversion; pure testosterone over being in touch with the feminine side; logic over emotions; being tough and complicated and unexpressive... disclaimer: not that i haven't fallen for any smooth talker's trap.
Still a surprise for me, though. You see, I remeber i got to the point of vowing that I'd never marry anyone like my dad. Obviously, I had my grudges against my dad along with all my teenage angst. I'm not dismissing it as anything juvenile, though. They were valid issues and hurts-- though I would rather not recount now.
I was in awe... or should i say, i was mortified then, how my mom could take him all these years; I was plainly disgusted with how patient and sincere she was, serving my dad and being his good housewife even during drunken nights or on days that my dad would walk in and out of our house like a passive breeze.
Suddenly it struck me. While ordering my big breakfast at mcdo, it just struck me.
I just realized that there must be something that my mom sees that we don't see. A part of who dad is that only my mom sees from her side of the bed, during their conversations in the dark (not that i'm evesdropping); something... something about my dad that makes her embrace everythng he is.
Overwheming.
And just the same day of my enlightmenment at Mcdonald's, I received news from my sister that Dad just took his early retirement.
You see, my mom just left for the states a couple of months ago. It appears that my Dad just couldn't contain her absence, thus the premature retirement to be able to follow after her soon.
The picture of a lovesick dad has never crossed my mind this past 23 years. I guess I've always seen him from my side of the fence as the tough, objective, unemotional guy.
I have a lovesick dad. Haha, I just can't get over it.
You must understand how overwhelming that realization is for me. My relationship with my dad is the closest to non-existence among all my meaningful ones. Although I must admit that it has the greates impact in my life.
Lately, i find myself being attracted to guys with the same qualities as my dad. Not surprising. I actually had one whole class teaching us about love, relationshps and marriage (cool major,huh?) and studies show that it has been a trend for women to be attracted with guys that resemble their fathers in one way or another.
Maybe that explains my taste for tall, dark and bumbayin guys. A lot of people say my dad looks like he stepped out from the 70's action movies. Pang goons ba ang dating. Maybe that's why pretty boys don't appeal to me that much.
Maybe that's why I prefer mystery over extroversion; pure testosterone over being in touch with the feminine side; logic over emotions; being tough and complicated and unexpressive... disclaimer: not that i haven't fallen for any smooth talker's trap.
Still a surprise for me, though. You see, I remeber i got to the point of vowing that I'd never marry anyone like my dad. Obviously, I had my grudges against my dad along with all my teenage angst. I'm not dismissing it as anything juvenile, though. They were valid issues and hurts-- though I would rather not recount now.
I was in awe... or should i say, i was mortified then, how my mom could take him all these years; I was plainly disgusted with how patient and sincere she was, serving my dad and being his good housewife even during drunken nights or on days that my dad would walk in and out of our house like a passive breeze.
Suddenly it struck me. While ordering my big breakfast at mcdo, it just struck me.
I just realized that there must be something that my mom sees that we don't see. A part of who dad is that only my mom sees from her side of the bed, during their conversations in the dark (not that i'm evesdropping); something... something about my dad that makes her embrace everythng he is.
Overwheming.
And just the same day of my enlightmenment at Mcdonald's, I received news from my sister that Dad just took his early retirement.
You see, my mom just left for the states a couple of months ago. It appears that my Dad just couldn't contain her absence, thus the premature retirement to be able to follow after her soon.
The picture of a lovesick dad has never crossed my mind this past 23 years. I guess I've always seen him from my side of the fence as the tough, objective, unemotional guy.
I have a lovesick dad. Haha, I just can't get over it.
Mahirap magaamhal ng isang call girl (April 2006)
Mahirap magmahal ng call girl. Yan ang bago kong discovery.
Sa mga di nakakaalam, isa akong call (center) girl at mag aapat na buwan pa lang naman sa industriya. Maraming nagtatanong, why the sudden change?-- kung sabagay, dati akong isang guro, at ang bokasyong pagtuturo ay isang napaka marangal na bokasyon. That must mean I'm the idealistic type, not the kind that go after the material perks of this supposedly shallow vocation. Well, this is not all about justifying this move. Marami'y di maintindihan. Sabi pa nga nila, if you're underpaid as a teacher, Eh di mag abroad ka! Tutal, atat na rin naman ang kalahati ng pamilya ko na sumunod na ako 'dun. Well, as I've said, not a lot would understand the rationale behind it. And it's not the point.
Ang ibig ko lang namang sabihin ay... mahirap magmahal ng call girl. Not necessarily in a romantic way, I should add. Katulad ngayon, at ang nakalipas na mga gabi ako'y mapag-isa dito sa apartment dahil ang mga kasambahay ko ay nagbabaksayon sa iba't-ibang bahagi ng Pilipinas. Well, bahagi ng pinirmahan kong kontrata ang pagttrabaho sa holidays kaya 'di ako maka imik. Gusto man akong samahan ng iba kong kaibigan, may obligasyon 'din sila sa kanilang pamilya. 'Di bale, ang sabi ko, 'di rin naman kami nagkikita talaga eh. Pag gising sila, tulog naman ako. Ang good morning ko ay good night na sa kanila. Pero malungkot parin the past days, man.
Nataon pa na off ko kanina. Lonely mornings I could sleep off. Lonely nights-- when going out alone AND on a holy week is not an option, kakaloka. I just rented a bunch of movies, gobbled a couple of bags of chips and chucked gallons of coke and semi-wallowed. Feels good really, until I reached to a realization that I can't do this everytime I'm alone.
On my last off I was lucky to have somebody sleep over sa bahay sa Pamp. We watched a buncha movies too, til 6am. And my dad caught us eating ice cream in the kitchen... TWICE!!! Good for her though, she lasted. The other night, 'di ako kinaya ng mga kaibigan kong naglakas loob mag ayang mag movie marathon. Tinulugan ako.
Mga work mates ko? Umaga nag-iinuman. Well. 'Di ko naman problema yun, anyway. Tagal nako 'di umiinom kaya di na problema i schedule.
Man. My schedule and body clock's all screwed up. Ang hirap humanap ng human interaction, from the normal world, that is.
Ang hirap magmahal ng call girl noh?
Sa mga di nakakaalam, isa akong call (center) girl at mag aapat na buwan pa lang naman sa industriya. Maraming nagtatanong, why the sudden change?-- kung sabagay, dati akong isang guro, at ang bokasyong pagtuturo ay isang napaka marangal na bokasyon. That must mean I'm the idealistic type, not the kind that go after the material perks of this supposedly shallow vocation. Well, this is not all about justifying this move. Marami'y di maintindihan. Sabi pa nga nila, if you're underpaid as a teacher, Eh di mag abroad ka! Tutal, atat na rin naman ang kalahati ng pamilya ko na sumunod na ako 'dun. Well, as I've said, not a lot would understand the rationale behind it. And it's not the point.
Ang ibig ko lang namang sabihin ay... mahirap magmahal ng call girl. Not necessarily in a romantic way, I should add. Katulad ngayon, at ang nakalipas na mga gabi ako'y mapag-isa dito sa apartment dahil ang mga kasambahay ko ay nagbabaksayon sa iba't-ibang bahagi ng Pilipinas. Well, bahagi ng pinirmahan kong kontrata ang pagttrabaho sa holidays kaya 'di ako maka imik. Gusto man akong samahan ng iba kong kaibigan, may obligasyon 'din sila sa kanilang pamilya. 'Di bale, ang sabi ko, 'di rin naman kami nagkikita talaga eh. Pag gising sila, tulog naman ako. Ang good morning ko ay good night na sa kanila. Pero malungkot parin the past days, man.
Nataon pa na off ko kanina. Lonely mornings I could sleep off. Lonely nights-- when going out alone AND on a holy week is not an option, kakaloka. I just rented a bunch of movies, gobbled a couple of bags of chips and chucked gallons of coke and semi-wallowed. Feels good really, until I reached to a realization that I can't do this everytime I'm alone.
On my last off I was lucky to have somebody sleep over sa bahay sa Pamp. We watched a buncha movies too, til 6am. And my dad caught us eating ice cream in the kitchen... TWICE!!! Good for her though, she lasted. The other night, 'di ako kinaya ng mga kaibigan kong naglakas loob mag ayang mag movie marathon. Tinulugan ako.
Mga work mates ko? Umaga nag-iinuman. Well. 'Di ko naman problema yun, anyway. Tagal nako 'di umiinom kaya di na problema i schedule.
Man. My schedule and body clock's all screwed up. Ang hirap humanap ng human interaction, from the normal world, that is.
Ang hirap magmahal ng call girl noh?
feb 2006
"winter has gone, the rain has passed
and all i see are flowers everywhere
you love is flowing over me,
your love is flowing over me...
love of my life your joy is my strength
love of my life, everything's not the same when your beside me
face to face
i can only whisper a few words
like i love you, Love..."
--- song by Mitchie Taladua (derived from the book Song of songs)
I almost can't remember the bitter cold of winter.
Well, i know... i know very well how desolate it was for me; i know so well how i wept and sighed; i know very well how i reached out yet never grasped anything; how i started to wonder if the word will ever come to pass; how each day i hoped for the turn of the season...
I remember how it was, but I can never quite remember how it felt.
Does one really forget the pain, when love comes her way? Can divine romance erase and make-up twofolds for the loss and the grief?
Healing has come my way...
Just as much as I have been wounded through people and circumstances, healing has come through godsent persons and wonderful moments that seem to pick up bits and pieces of my broken self ... hope that one day, sealed beautifully in His love, I shall be fully restored to His image and likeness.
and all i see are flowers everywhere
you love is flowing over me,
your love is flowing over me...
love of my life your joy is my strength
love of my life, everything's not the same when your beside me
face to face
i can only whisper a few words
like i love you, Love..."
--- song by Mitchie Taladua (derived from the book Song of songs)
I almost can't remember the bitter cold of winter.
Well, i know... i know very well how desolate it was for me; i know so well how i wept and sighed; i know very well how i reached out yet never grasped anything; how i started to wonder if the word will ever come to pass; how each day i hoped for the turn of the season...
I remember how it was, but I can never quite remember how it felt.
Does one really forget the pain, when love comes her way? Can divine romance erase and make-up twofolds for the loss and the grief?
Healing has come my way...
Just as much as I have been wounded through people and circumstances, healing has come through godsent persons and wonderful moments that seem to pick up bits and pieces of my broken self ... hope that one day, sealed beautifully in His love, I shall be fully restored to His image and likeness.
gauging illusionary depths (jan 2006)
I realized that one shouldn't be reading someone's testimonials before writing one for her. It has a subconscious influence (or maybe not even so subconscious) on your opinion about the person. It's just amazing how schezo-like I am and yet a number of my friends never forgot to mention the adjective "deep" on their testimonials. Was it me? Did I entangle everyone with my self-projection of depth?
Sabagay, gusto ko naman kasi yung idea na pag-isipang deep ako. Ang cool, 'di ba? Kesa tawagin kang aanga-anga, kapag nakatahimik ka, mas maganda na yung iniisip nila na meron kang isang tula na nililikha sa iyong saloobin o isang teoriya ukol sa pag-inog ng mundo. Kung 'di lang talaga nila alam...
Siguro, inisip ko rin na malalim ako. I have an uncanny ability of complicating things which can be perceived as depth, depending on your point of view.
Kaya rin siguro ang pressure ko sa sarili ko na magkaroon ng sense of depth and kurso ko at career siyempre. Para san pa't nag UP ka kung wala namang dangal or nobility ang tabaho mo, 'di ba ganun yun?
While having coffee with an old friend, in an attempt to cheer me up/help me sort things out, he asked, "Anong gusto mong gawin?" I answered, "mag divisoria."
For a living, anong guto mo talagang gawin? I answered, "Mag parlor."
Frustrated as he seemed, he did admit some time later (when he was just in tsinelas, void of the preppy outfit and the matching car) that he wanted to be a masahista. And he even did classes! So we agreed, he would be he masahista of my parlor. haha
"Di lang naman mag parlor. Pangarap ko ring maging barista. Actually I've been helping out with DMI's weekly night life (as a waitress/kitchen girl) for the past 2 years and it's the most fun i have had in my whole short-lived working career. I have a YM friend who sounded kindov disappointed even when he found out that i wasn't going to pursue this secret-dream-profession.
Close friends ko nga lang ang may alam na pangarap kong maging telephone operator. Well, call center agents na ang tawag ngayon. Back when we were younger, I get a kick from playing tricks on my friends-- doing the voicemail message when they call me up or providing ATM voice recording (to UP PNB's ATMs!) to their surprise. Not to mention my black book of phonepals wahaha. But you can't really tell and HR interviewer that, can you? "So, why would you like to work for our company?" "Well, hindi nyo lang po kasi nalalalaman ay pangarap ko na iyan mula ng ako'y bata pa."
Now that I really think about it, may kababawan pala talaga ako noh?
Sabagay, gusto ko naman kasi yung idea na pag-isipang deep ako. Ang cool, 'di ba? Kesa tawagin kang aanga-anga, kapag nakatahimik ka, mas maganda na yung iniisip nila na meron kang isang tula na nililikha sa iyong saloobin o isang teoriya ukol sa pag-inog ng mundo. Kung 'di lang talaga nila alam...
Siguro, inisip ko rin na malalim ako. I have an uncanny ability of complicating things which can be perceived as depth, depending on your point of view.
Kaya rin siguro ang pressure ko sa sarili ko na magkaroon ng sense of depth and kurso ko at career siyempre. Para san pa't nag UP ka kung wala namang dangal or nobility ang tabaho mo, 'di ba ganun yun?
While having coffee with an old friend, in an attempt to cheer me up/help me sort things out, he asked, "Anong gusto mong gawin?" I answered, "mag divisoria."
For a living, anong guto mo talagang gawin? I answered, "Mag parlor."
Frustrated as he seemed, he did admit some time later (when he was just in tsinelas, void of the preppy outfit and the matching car) that he wanted to be a masahista. And he even did classes! So we agreed, he would be he masahista of my parlor. haha
"Di lang naman mag parlor. Pangarap ko ring maging barista. Actually I've been helping out with DMI's weekly night life (as a waitress/kitchen girl) for the past 2 years and it's the most fun i have had in my whole short-lived working career. I have a YM friend who sounded kindov disappointed even when he found out that i wasn't going to pursue this secret-dream-profession.
Close friends ko nga lang ang may alam na pangarap kong maging telephone operator. Well, call center agents na ang tawag ngayon. Back when we were younger, I get a kick from playing tricks on my friends-- doing the voicemail message when they call me up or providing ATM voice recording (to UP PNB's ATMs!) to their surprise. Not to mention my black book of phonepals wahaha. But you can't really tell and HR interviewer that, can you? "So, why would you like to work for our company?" "Well, hindi nyo lang po kasi nalalalaman ay pangarap ko na iyan mula ng ako'y bata pa."
Now that I really think about it, may kababawan pala talaga ako noh?
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made (May 2005)
Wipe away the tarnish
brush away the fear
behold,
Beauty begets none but beauty
if you only look within.
Arise from the mire
and soar from the lies.
Shed off the pauper clothes
oh daughter of the King.
Let His mercies wash You
His grace to you would heal
then as good as new,
be what you're meant to be.
#####
just got back from a seminar about personal effectiveness
it's just how amazing how God created each one of us isn't it?
brush away the fear
behold,
Beauty begets none but beauty
if you only look within.
Arise from the mire
and soar from the lies.
Shed off the pauper clothes
oh daughter of the King.
Let His mercies wash You
His grace to you would heal
then as good as new,
be what you're meant to be.
#####
just got back from a seminar about personal effectiveness
it's just how amazing how God created each one of us isn't it?
Closed Doors
If there's one thing I've been learning to love lately, it's the sight of a closed door. The feelings that go with it would always be there I guess-- rejection and loneliness do always sting even just a bit.. stuff you don't really get numb to.
It really amazes me how the things that used to send me scurrrying into my bitter shell seems to liberate me even more. Hopes that never came to pass-- an application turned down, a business venture not materializing, a diet that doesn't work (and weight that was never lost) or a seemingly special guy getting married... closed doors.
I guess knowing the good Heavenly Father makes bittereness impossible. How could a good Father hold back something good from His child?
Now I feel like a closed door is more of a wonderful favor from a caring Dad who doesn't want you to go wasting your time staring at the wrong door for too long; who doesn't want you to settle for less than the perfect one He wills for you.
Seeing it that way, it still stings a bit, but it makes me feel so much better.
Much better than ice cream, low fat pa :)
It really amazes me how the things that used to send me scurrrying into my bitter shell seems to liberate me even more. Hopes that never came to pass-- an application turned down, a business venture not materializing, a diet that doesn't work (and weight that was never lost) or a seemingly special guy getting married... closed doors.
I guess knowing the good Heavenly Father makes bittereness impossible. How could a good Father hold back something good from His child?
Now I feel like a closed door is more of a wonderful favor from a caring Dad who doesn't want you to go wasting your time staring at the wrong door for too long; who doesn't want you to settle for less than the perfect one He wills for you.
Seeing it that way, it still stings a bit, but it makes me feel so much better.
Much better than ice cream, low fat pa :)
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