Jan 2007

My life is on a pause.

Honestly, I have feared that I would go on spending my precious life just getting by. I have feared that I would keep on thinking that the best is yet to come and go on doing trivial things and wake up one day and realize Im halfway my life and haven't accomplished anything of worth. I have feared that I will use up all my resources-- my health, my ability to dream, my precious time, trying to get by until I have none left for anything else. I have feared of spending my life trying to make a living but not to have lived at all.

And so I pause. I re-assess.

A brave move, some say. Too brave, I sometime think, that I am tempted to hide in the mediocrity of life again.

But honestly?

I want to live.

I want to enjoy the brilliance of the colors surrounding me. I want to throw my head back in laughter. I want to do things that make me feel alive. I want to write. I want paint everyone's faces. I want to love people; To marvel on how special, and funny, and queer each one is (And see how much they've grown and bloomed since that first cell meeting :) ) I want to stare at the sky and feel so tiny for a while. I want to pamper myself to feel pretty and nice. I want to start a project-- decorate a home, tend a garden, cook a meal. I want to converse with people over coffee about seemingly profound nonsense. I want to ravish God's word as if there's no tomorrow. I want to tell the world about things I love-- my latest CBTL swirl card (how much did CBTL pay me to put such a good word about it, jaki asks), daddy freddy's crinkles and asado rolls, the series LOST (well at least the latest-- after dr house, prison break and grey's), Southern chicken of Mocha blends, my Creator and the latest amazing things He has done for me.

But I realized it is a choice. To live is a choice. To live is not easy.

Sometimes you have to choose one thing over another to be able to live. To choose a good night's sleep over a sumptuous pay; A beautiful sunrise over more sleep; An actual waistline over another glass of coke. To choose to toil in order to reap.

It's a choice to make time. It's a choice to restrain from something to make room for another.

It's also the choice to take the risk.

The risk of failing in your new project. The risk of things not turning out the way you expected them to. The risk of getting rejected. The risk of getting hurt.

And I want to choose to live. Really I do.

It aint gonna be easy I know. But I'm sure it's worth it.



...I have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest. John 10:10