For you, for me, for what was once us.

You may be mad, I may be hurt, but this remains my song for you, and for me. The pain may be a bit too real for us now, and it may not be sung in the same context as we once did. Still, It's all right. It will all be all right.

Dark as roses, fine as sand
Feel your healing and your sting again
I hear you laughing and my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry

Crawl like ivy up my spine
Through my nerves and into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections of better days gone by

But its all right
When you're caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Its all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Its all right
Though your gardens grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower

Eyes like oceans so far away
A feather trail to a better way
Worried mornings turn into days
Then into worried nights

But its all right
When you're all in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Oh its all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Oh its all right
Though your gardens gray
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
Oh in the sweet sunshower
Oh in the sweet sunshower
In the sweet sunshower

I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower
And its all right
All you'll be you are today
Are today
Its all right
All you'll be you are today
Are today...

Sunshower

Chris Cornell

wishlist

Ten days til Christmas and I still have no wishlist, that's new.huh.
Anyway, for the heck of tradition here's my Christmas wishlist:

1. A new phone.
Only because I have to hit my current phone against the wall sometimes to get it to work.
I'm not very hard to please. I use my phone for texting and calling. That's it. I already figured out that touch screen aint for me--My fingers are too clumsy for it.And i forget to lock it and all the messages or what not end up accidentally erased, or my bag, or elbow or ass ends up calling people I dont intend to call. Other features end up unused as well.

2. Bag/purse
I don't usually buy bags and purses. I really don't know why I don't enjoy shopping for 'em. I love receiving them as presents though.

3. Sneakers. Low-cut, not bulky, neutral colors (or maybe red).

I don't have em. I'm a size 7.

4. organizers

like boxes with drawers or tool/make-up kits. I can't have enough of them. am i organized? hah. not really. but I attempt to be at least once a year. That's when these babies come in handy. Most of the time I just like seeing them.

5. Bedsheets and comforter.

King size please.

6. uh... how do i say it... upper undergarments?

c'mon, good ones that fit me are hard to come by.

7. Picture frames.

Preferably dark wood frames

8. zoom lens

canon mount, general purpose kind. 17-55 f/2.8 maybe. or better. traded my old zoom lens coz i feel in-love with a prime and can't afford to have both that time :p

9. A dress watch.

coz I don't have one.

10. A car.

no really. i'd love one. of course id have to learn how to drive but...

since I owe Liz a blog...

I'm here right now at the gazeboish part of our building's mini park. We've been here in Seoul for about a week and but I've never had time to blog until now. Well, so the experience. It's a mixture of ooohs and ahhhs and wtfs. I need to learn a little Hanggul to be able to get through the rest of my stay here, me thinks. So far I've survived with sign language and a lot of smiles. But yeah everything is pretty convenient here. Learning the subway and bus routes aint as hard as I thought.
I've had of course my first soju and Kalbi by my 2nd night here; my first noribang on my first weekend. Got a new kick-ass camera too for a good deal. hehe.We've been to pretty crazy parts of the city, including an American bar where people sing their national anthem at midnight. The weather was sunny cool but it's getting colder and colder at nights since fall is approaching. I've a feeling though that the honeymoon period is waning and I'm starting to miss home. I mean this place is pretty cool. Everything's hi-tech, and there's a lot of people to see. But there's still no place like home i guess. Di rin pla masaya ng malamig ng walang kayakap haha.

Maskara

Panayan da kang datang. Ika na akit mu kung ninu aku talaga. Balu ku na patse datang ka akit mu na sasalikut ku mu king maskarang ini; na papakit ku mu na ala kung pakialam, mapamyalung, at ali byasang lumugud; na apapanasakit da ka kasi lalabanan ku ing daramdaman ku para keka; na akit mu na king kilublublan ku metung ku mung babaying tatakut lugud at manasakit. Panayan da ka, ika na talan king gamat ku palwal king madalumdum kung pisasalikutan. Para keka buklat ke ing pasbul ning biye ku, para keka lako ke ing maskara kung mapagmasyas at mailap. Para keka isugal ke ing pusu ku.

Short and Sweet

With permission I snatched this excerpt from Ghia's blog:

Now, am I normal? I think I am. I don’t want commitment, just a meaningful relationship. I don’t want patience and compromise and a constant effort to make things work. Not really a mindless fling, not a boyfriend either. But a whirlwind romance devoid of responsibilities and obligations. I want to start something with someone, but I want to make sure I don’t stay in it long enough to ruin it or worst, fall. I want someone who plans to enjoy it, but has no plans of making it last and joke around, as well. I want someone who wants the same things I do, someone who gets it. I want someone who would understand that I am slipping away because I am about to fall. When this happens I don't want him questioning me what went wrong. 'Cause if he leaves I won't be demanding for an explanation. I could be in pseudo pain but I won't let it show, I won't let him know. And I believe this doesn’t make me heartless. I am just cautious.

Now we haven't seen each other for years, this blogger friend of mine, but I'm glad I stumbled upon her blog. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone, you know. That there's someone who would not stare at me blankly when i say these things; someone who would not call me weird, or a coward, or emotionally-retarded, or stupid, or cheap.

Now the part of gauging how long you should stay, that is a science I am yet to learn. Whether it's eight months or three weeks, it could be too long before it gets sour and end up a disaster.

One time, my former boss, Hyun, asked me, "do you miss being roommates with Layla (my temp roommate for a month or so)?" Without hesitation, I said, yeah, and started to recall all the good memories I had with her. Then she exclaimed, "See! That's what I mean. It was short and sweet. But do you think you would still feel the same if you've been together for too long?" Then she started to tell me about this Korean movie (btw Hyun is Korean) where the girl died and the boyfriend was left with bittersweet memories. She and her friends theorized that if the girl had lived and they became a couple for too long, they would've gotten tired of each other and it wouldn't end up to be as sweet and romantic as it did in the movie.

Another time, a friend was dumbfounded when I told him that I have never imagined myself being married to any of the guys I've been with. It's not that I haven't given commitment a chance,but my luck wasn't that good with that. For now, forever is too overwhelming a word for me knowing how people can change, and lie, or simply get tired of you.

Am I forever jaded? I hope not. A friend and I were chatting one night and at the end of all our bitter ranting against marriage and relationships,we admitted that, somehow, at the back of our heads, we are wishing that someone would come along and change the way we think.

Sigh, will that ever happen?

Of Changes and Unchanging Things

I am... unsettled... now, about a lot of possible changes that are about to come. I've always been the type of person who resists change but I don't know. I woke up one morning and I realized that I need this anyway. New things, new things. They could be good, too.

Ironically, this night out also reminded me that there are things that don't change. Preppier clothes, fancier cars, pounds (whether lost or gained) ,and new people in our lives come; but beyond all this, it's still the same banter, the same memories... the same person. This is quite reassuring-- that people may move about in your life, your environment may always change, but there are those who will remain to be your "person" as Meredith Grey would put it.

Great night, great night.

On Gambling and Learning

"When you love someone, say it right there, out loud, or time will just pass you by." That's one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies, My Bestfriend's Wedding.

See, all my life, I have held on to what is safe, what is vague, and what is comfortable, and it led me to an insipid life of forever wondering what could've been. So I came to a point of swearing off all comfort zones and I gambled with all I had.

I loved.

Regret is one of the worst feelings I have ever had, and this time, I didn't want to end up one day wondering, "what if I gave it my best shot?" And so, mustering up all my guts, I gambled. All my chips on the table.

I lost.

But I learned that triumph is not really just about winning the gamble, but it's having no regrets hanging over your head. It stings as hell, but yeah, I'd have my day.

If you don't win, at least you'd learn, right Mraz?

The thing about jumping blindly...

is it's scary and liberating at the same time.

It's about time.

It's about time I create new associations. It's easy to throw out certain things that are associated with certain memories, but we still need this house so I guess it's staying. And I can't blow up Bigoli or Conspiracy either.
It's about time I close this book and make new memories. It's about time I stop figuring out where things went wrong. It's about time that I wont let anyone pull me down whenever I take a step forward. It's about time I accept the fact that some things are not meant to be, and more importantly, that better things are to come.
It's about time I get up and move out from the comfort of this grief.

Gawd, coz this is getting old.

Blanko.

Palayo na ng palayo ang pangalan mo sa who's viewed me page ko. Palabo na rin ng palabo ang alaala ng mukha mo o ng kulot mong buhok sa isip ko. Minsan nalilimutan ko na ang lalim ng iyong boses, o ang pakiramdam ng magising sa hudyat ng missed call mo. Nawawalan na ng kahulugan ang awitin mo para sakin, at nagiging isang nakakairita at nkaka-LSS na overplayed na kanta na lamang. Minsan, nangungulila parin ako para sa isang taong mapagsusumbungan o makukwentuhan; isang taong laging naryan at inaako ang buhay ko bilang buhay na rin nila. Pero alam kong ayoko ng balikan ang natapos na.

So, anong problema ko? Natatakot lang ako. Kahit mahirap, posible rin palang makalimot. Gigising rin pala ako na tila panaginip lang ang lahat. Darating din pala ang araw na tila estranghero ka na lamang. At kapag tuluyan ka ng mabura sa buhay ko at magtapos na ang yugtong ito, ano na? Tila isang blankong papel na lang ang buhay ko na nakatitig sa akin; nayayamot at naiinip para akin itong punan. Nakakalula.

Rain

Ah, rain. What better element of dramatics could there be. My editor once laughed to my face when I tried to add poetry to my script by saying "the sky felt for them." But you know sometimes I'd like to believe that it does feels for me. Just like that fateful night it poured in sync with my weeping.

Fantasy Girl

Run fantasy girl,
far from his make believe world.
Run fast
to a place
where there is pain,
where there is love,
and yes, some mediocrity, too.
Run fantasy girl
for you deserve a name
and you belong
to somebody else's reality.

Bright Side

Almost a month's worth of wallowing over that empty space for someone's toothbrush, or missing the feel of his... hair (wahaha), I choose to look at the brighter side this time.

I get to sleep early without waiting for anyone to get back from work. I am not forced to watch sports videos and shows anymore. I can do whatever I want to do without considering if he'd be into it. I can binge on CHICK FLICKS!!! I can make scrambled eggs and not sweat over one perfect sunny side up. Each space is MY space. I can dress up without anyone telling me that I make them look under-dressed. I can stay inside all day watching dvds without anyone bothering me to get up and... move. I don't get nagged for not filling the water containers, not locking the doors or not fixing my closet. I get a lot of me time, now, as Chachie's 13 year-old cousin, Diego would put it. That's good, right?

Reviving this blog

Ok, I haven't been paying attention to this blog. Mainly because I don't have much of readers. or lurkers don't take time to comment.

But come to think of it, this would be a good outlet for the less popular writings that I want to spare the people back in multiply. such as my rantings.

First thing. I need a life.

I need to spend more time going out, meeting new people, and less time cooped up in this office/house tinkering with stuff online.

Since after Valentine's day, I have a bunch of time in my hands-- the time I used to spend in a bubble with he-who-shall-not-be-named. And thanks to all who tried to cheer me up. I am so much better now. Not really heart-broken anymore, more of lost... or bored.

I tried learning how to use the manual mode of my camera- something I've put off for a while now. Well I got better at it. Then I got bored. I cleaned my room and my closet and washed all our curtains. I created a new multiply account and moved a bunch of blogs and photos. I also tried fangirling (which I realized I suck at). But I need to do more of the things girls my age should be doing (like be in serious and healthy relationships?).

uh-oh

Unforgettable House lines

So we were sharing favorite quotes from House last night and I remembered this one:

Stacy: "Our relationship is like an addiction. It's— like—"
House: "Really good drugs?"
Stacy: "No, it's like— vindaloo curry."
House: "Ok, sure—"
Stacy: "Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chilli peppers."
House: "I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive."
Stacy: "You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine but no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time but you wake up one day and you think... god I really miss curry.

I have always used curry as a metaphor since I watched that episode (I wrote a blog once about a current curry and the curry that got away). Then it struck me how sick I really am to go from one curry to another.

I need a shrink.

What does it take?

Funny how I spent thousands (literally) to keep myself distracted when at the end of the day, the clothes and the toys end up ignored, the booze barfed, the coffee and cakes settled as unwanted fats in my gut, and I still fall asleep with thoughts of the same thing.

Ricochet Babeh

It's funny how things can fire right back at you. Ika nga ni Nao Nao, nakahanap ako ng katapat. Boy how it stings when your very words ricochet and hit you between your eyes. "I wish there was an in-between... a gray area." A gray area. A gray area. A gray area. It still echoes in my head, but this time, it's not my own voice that I hear.My own medecine tastes as bitter as hell.

Public announcement: I now renounce gray areas. I swear off ambiguity. I resolve not to be vague. And oh, I'm officially playing the field. *hint hint*

Tila Isang Panaginip Lamang

Pasado alas otso palang kagabi, tulog na ako. Wala pang alas siete, ako'y nagkulong na ng kwarto. Sa panandaliang halos siyam na oras na iyon, nakatakas ako sa mundo. Sa tunog ng telepono. Sa hudyat ng ym or e-mail. Sa konting sandali nakuha kong magkunwari na tahimik ang mundo, mapapanaligan, at hindi ako sasaktan.
Paggising ko ng alas singko ng umaga, at sa unang mensaheng nabasa ko, ako'y napahagulgol. Oo't gising na nga ako. Mulat na rin ang aking puso sa katotohanan. Naluha ako sa napakaraming dahilan-- dahil may nawala sa 'kin... o di kaya'y, dahil sa wakas ay natauhan na ako, tulad ng paggising ko mula sa malalim at mahimbing kong tulog, na hindi siya naging akin mula sa simula pa lamang.
Mahirap bitawan ang bagay na nakagawian mo na, komportable na, o di kaya'y, mahirap mang aminin, napamahal na sa 'yo. Gayun pa man, mas mahirap lokohin ang sarili na darating pa ang panahon na magbabago rin ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi dahil namumunga na ito ng kahulugan para sa iyo ay gayun din para sa iba.
Masakit mapagtanto na wala pala talaga kayo sa parehong pahina ng isang tao; o mas malungkot, magkaibang nobela pala ang inyong binabasa. Mahirap isipin na sa wakas na ika'y handa na, siya pala'y hindi naman talaga kayang ipaglaban ka.
Masakit mambura ng mga mensahe at mga larawan (at ng contacts), at lalong malungkot ang mambura ng mga alaala ng pinagsamahan.
Pero may mga bagay talaga na kailangan magwakas. Mga bagay na kailangan tapusin bago mahimbing, upang paggising sa umaga ay magmistulang isang panaginip lamang ang lahat.

Day 18: Goofy boss=goofy office

Despite the hard work, how can I not love this office?